Birth Trauma: When Everyone Says Your Baby is Healthy But You Don't Feel Ok
One of the most common things I hear from people who have experienced a traumatic birth is: "I know I should be grateful because my baby is healthy... so why do I still feel so upset?". For many new parents, this thought brings with it feelings of guilt, confusion and shame. Friends and family often focus on the happy ending (which is a healthy baby and everyone is back home from the hospital). The focus on the happy ending from others means there is hardly any space to acknowledge the emotional impact of what happened to you during the birth itself. The reality is that you can be deeply grateful for your baby and deeply affected by your birth experience. These two feelings can exist together. Birth trauma is far more common than many people realise. Yet because it is often misunderstood, many parents struggle in silence, believing they should simply "move on" or that they are somehow failing to enjoy early parenthood. If this sounds familiar, I hope this blog helps you understand why you feel the way you do (and reassures you that your reactions make sense).
What is birth trauma?
Birth trauma isn't defined solely by what happened during labour or delivery. Instead, it is about how the experience was perceived by you. A birth may be considered quite straightforward on paper but for whatever reason you were still left feeling frightened, overwhelmed, powerless, out of control or deeply distressed. Equally, some women experience significant medical complications yet do not go on to experience trauma.
Trauma occurs when an event overwhelms our ability to cope.
During childbirth, this might involve:
- feeling that your life or your baby's life was at risk
- experiencing unexpected medical emergencies (i.e. c-section or foreceps delivery)
- feeling powerless or out of control
- not feeling listened to by healthcare professionals
- experiencing overwhelming pain
- feeling frightened, trapped or alone
- believing something terrible was about to happen.
For many parents, it is not only the medical events that stay with them. It is how they were treated, what was said to them, or how isolated they felt during one of the most vulnerable moments of their lives.
"But everyone keeps telling me my baby is healthy."
This statement is perhaps one of the most painful aspects of birth trauma. People often say things such as:
- "At least the baby is okay."
- "That's all that matters."
- "You both came through it.
These comments are usually well intentioned. They are attempts to comfort. However, they can unintentionally leave you feeling that your own emotional experience doesn't matter. However I want you to know that you DO matter. The birth was something that happened to you, not just an event that resulted in your baby arriving safely. When your own experience is minimised, you may begin questioning yourself but nothing is wrong with you. Your brain and body are simply responding to something that was experienced as rather threatening.
Signs that you may have experienced birth trauma
Everyone responds differently, but common signs include:
- intrusive memories of the birth
- nightmares
- feeling anxious when thinking about hospitals or pregnancy
- avoiding talking about the birth
- becoming upset by television programmes involving childbirth
- feeling emotionally numb
- being constantly on edge
- startling easily
- guilt or shame about what happened
- blaming yourself
- difficulty bonding with your baby because your mind is still processing the trauma
- feeling disconnected from your partner or family
- panic when attending postnatal or medical appointments.
Some parents also notice physical reactions. Their heart races when they hear medical equipment. They become tearful when driving past the hospital. Their whole body tenses when someone asks: "So... how was the birth?" These reactions can feel confusing, but they are actually very common after trauma.
Why does birth trauma affect some people but not others?
This is a question many people ask. The answer isn't that one person is "stronger"than another. Trauma isn't a sign of weakness.Our nervous systems respond differently depending on many factors, including:
- previous life experiences
- earlier trauma
- the amount of support available during labour
- whether we felt safe
- whether we felt listened to
- what happened afterwards
- our individual biology
Two people can experience exactly the same event but have very different psychological responses. It's okay to grieve the birth you hoped for. Many parents tell me they aren't only grieving what happened, they are also grieving what didn't happen. Grieving the birth experience you hoped for doesn't mean youl ove your baby any less. It simply means something important was lost in that moment.
Dr Maria Tucknott is a Clinical Psychologist based in Hertford who specialises in birth trauma therapy for adults. If any of this has resonated with you, get in touch today to book your free 15-minute consultation. She is a Clinical Psychologist and accredited EMDR Therapist with lived experience of birth trauma.